I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
