4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Randomize
