i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
