my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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