$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
