I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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