Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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