either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
