don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
