Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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