Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
