you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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