Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
