after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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