New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
