Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
