True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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