I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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