margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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