Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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