U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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