If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
