I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
