The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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