I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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