I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
