I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
