Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
