i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize