Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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