There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
