Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
