You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
this beer tastes like vomit already
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm at about main and main street
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
