Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
