What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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