I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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