Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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