You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
