Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
