I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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