Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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