Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
