why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
