her vagina looked like bernie madoff
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
