that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
