I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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