I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
