You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
