I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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