you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize