He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
