Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
