Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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