alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
In other news, I just burned my penis
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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