if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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