I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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