Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
