you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i drank out of a bidet.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
