Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Randomize
