This is not my ceiling
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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